I've been battling for my mental health for the last few months. I can't seem to get on the right track. My anxiety is up and down as well as my depression. It's hard to explain my anxiety to those who have not felt it. When I say outloud how intensely my anxiety affects me and in what ways it seems ridiculous but it's real. I'm learning to talk myself through my more anxious moments. Sometimes I feel self-conscious and anxious walking into my class late or just even getting up and going to the printer. I feel it at school more probably because I have no support here. I find it frustrating because I can't seem to connect with anyone. I've tried and I have some acquaintainces but nothing more. A lot of the time I like to just come to the library and do my work. Most of the other students in my class are at a different stage in life than I am and have more liberties. They are also, in my opinion, immature and focused on superficial things. Make no mistake, I'm not judging but merely stating why I find I cannot find anything in common with them.

I don't feel like myself when I'm here and I really don't like that. Even when my anxiety is under control I still don't feel 100% here. I'm not fond of the environment here. I'm at war with myself. On one hand, I'd like to find one friend but then on the other I enjoy being able to do as I please and not be distracted. I enjoy being able to come to the library and work on my essays and assignments. I enjoy being able to have this time to myself and write in my blog. I enjoy being able to leave after class and not have to make small talk with someone. I have people I can talk to in class that I'm friendly with and people are nice to me as well. As I'm writing this I find I am beginning to relax and my anxiety is slowly ebbing away. I'm also realizing that I don't actually want any further friendships in this school. I'm alright the way I am, the anxiety tries to unhinge me and make me feel less than. I am not. I am happy and more focused this way. School isn't as scary as I make it out to be in my mind. Prior negative experiences have tainted it which is why I struggle.

My mental health at the moment also makes attendance quite difficult. I'm lucky to have my husband and mother for support. Last week, I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed or even shower. I was lethargic and unmotivated. I kept telling myself I'd get up in 5 minutes but I didn't. My husband called and he talked to me and helped me gain the motivation I needed to get in gear. If it wasn't for him, I would've missed a very important presentation in class. My mother helps me as well and really listens to me when I'm explaining how I'm feeling. Both my husband and mother are very good listeners and are extremely empathetic considering they have similar struggles. We make a strong team. My best friend that I've known for 22 years (since we were 3 years old) whom I call my sister is also a very strong support system for me. I'm able to confide in her with no worries of judgmement being placed upon me. We have gone through alot of negative experiences together and I am forever grateful to have her in my life as well.

I'm feeling more positive now and I think I can focus on some work.